The Antidote




This week we are learning about the first two principles of, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John M. Gottman.  He said principle number one is to enhance your love maps. A love map is something you can recall or know about your partner. For example, knowing a spouse’s favorite color, or favorite flower. By doing this, it will allow us to get to know them.  Can you truly love someone if you don’t know anything about them?  This is an interesting principle because we sometimes think we know who we are married to, and then realized, um, who and why did I marry this person?  It’s important to stay connected to our spouse; knowing what they like and don’t like. For example, remembering their favorite food or song may seem like a small thing, but knowing what makes them sad, glad, or stressful can be a great tool to help them feel better or comfort them in time of distress. Dr. Gottman teaches us to check in with our spouse and to frequently ask how they are doing.  Love maps are needed to take us to principle number two, which is fondness and admiration.

What is fondness and admiration in marriage relationship? I think to me it means that you find something special about the person you are married to and strive to seek out the best quality you see in them. When you acknowledge it to them they know you truly appreciate and care, especially during times when you feel frustrated or mad at them. Dr. Gottman said in chapter five of his book, page 69, “Fondness and admiration are the two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.” He tells us that when we maintain a respect for our spouse, we can see the best in them rather than having animosity, or something worse, when you don’t see eye to eye on certain things.

Over the years, I have occasionally thought about my decision to marry my husband and whether it was right or wrong. The impression I have always received has been so positive that I always smile to myself and feel very blessed that he came into my life. He came at the right time to rescue me from walking down different paths that may have not lead to the same kind of growth or learning. I have sweet fond memories of the first time we talked on the phone together. I felt that we had so much in common. Our hopes and dreams were similar, and the best part was that we both believed in the same God. I have so many good memories of us and our life together, that when major issues or conflicts occurred in our marriage, those good times helped to overcome the bad.  In my marriage, I have many more ups than I do downs. The good and happy times keeps me strong and that’s one reason why I am so happy in our marriage. My husband has many admirable qualities and characteristics that made me fall in love with him in the first place.  His sincerity, his kindness, and his thoughtfulness towards me are some of the greatest examples.

Dr. Gottman’s antidote for contempt is fondness and admiration and this has been true in my marriage. I know if couples are willing to work on it, they too will find success.  When we put away our negative thoughts for our spouse by filling our hearts, thoughts, and actions with lots of fondness and admiration, our marriage will be strengthened and enhanced.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Glass Slippers

Image
One of my favorite fairy tale stories is and will always be “Cinderella”. Cinderella was a kind, caring, and loving girl who lived with her step-mother and two step-sisters after her parents both died. The step-mother and step-sisters were mean to her and treated her like a slave. They forced her to serve them. They were very harsh to her in words, actions, and thoughts. Yet, she carried on and endured life with them. One day an invitation was sent to all the single women to attend a ball put on by the royal family. On this special day, the prince would choose his bride. With the help of her Fairy God Mother, she attended the event as the most beautiful woman, with an elegant gown and shiny glass slippers. The prince saw her and fell in love. For the brief amount of time they spent together, before the midnight bell chimed in, the prince knew she was the one. In her effort to get home on time, she had to rush out of the palace, and one of her glass slippers was left
Read more

Money Matter

Image
One of the many reasons that cause a divorced in marriage is due to debt and money issues. In an article call Escaping the Debt Trap, written by Janene Wolsey , the author wrote, “Debt, no matter how attractively packaged, is a huge trap for many people today. It has proved to be a significant factor in the breakup of many marriages. If couples don’t use their resources wisely, overspending will eventually rob them of their money, time, health, family security, and peace of mind.” This statement is true about debt; however, a couple can avoid this dilemma by working together to make sure that they got it under control by having an open line of communication for all their financial needs and wants.   One of my favorite author which I bribed all my children to read and give them money for finishing the book is call the “The Total Money Makeover” by Dave Ramsey. He has good ideas on how to get out and stay out of debt. After reading this book, it gives me a different perspective
Read more

Gridlock

Image
What is gridlock? According to webster.com gridlock is “a traffic jam in which a grid of intersecting streets is so completely congested that no vehicular movement is possible.” Relationship gridlock on the other hand is like that traffic jam when both partners are not willing to work out the conflicts between them and have no solution for moving forward with it, they are stuck and frustrated. In the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman counsels us to “Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts. Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations.” He continues by explaining that the first step in overcoming gridlock is open communication with your partner about your hopes, aspirations, and life goals. (Gottman, 2015). Open communication is so important in my marriage. I’m blessed to have someone in my life that I can talk to about anything. My fears, my hopes,
Read more