The Antidote




This week we are learning about the first two principles of, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John M. Gottman.  He said principle number one is to enhance your love maps. A love map is something you can recall or know about your partner. For example, knowing a spouse’s favorite color, or favorite flower. By doing this, it will allow us to get to know them.  Can you truly love someone if you don’t know anything about them?  This is an interesting principle because we sometimes think we know who we are married to, and then realized, um, who and why did I marry this person?  It’s important to stay connected to our spouse; knowing what they like and don’t like. For example, remembering their favorite food or song may seem like a small thing, but knowing what makes them sad, glad, or stressful can be a great tool to help them feel better or comfort them in time of distress. Dr. Gottman teaches us to check in with our spouse and to frequently ask how they are doing.  Love maps are needed to take us to principle number two, which is fondness and admiration.

What is fondness and admiration in marriage relationship? I think to me it means that you find something special about the person you are married to and strive to seek out the best quality you see in them. When you acknowledge it to them they know you truly appreciate and care, especially during times when you feel frustrated or mad at them. Dr. Gottman said in chapter five of his book, page 69, “Fondness and admiration are the two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.” He tells us that when we maintain a respect for our spouse, we can see the best in them rather than having animosity, or something worse, when you don’t see eye to eye on certain things.

Over the years, I have occasionally thought about my decision to marry my husband and whether it was right or wrong. The impression I have always received has been so positive that I always smile to myself and feel very blessed that he came into my life. He came at the right time to rescue me from walking down different paths that may have not lead to the same kind of growth or learning. I have sweet fond memories of the first time we talked on the phone together. I felt that we had so much in common. Our hopes and dreams were similar, and the best part was that we both believed in the same God. I have so many good memories of us and our life together, that when major issues or conflicts occurred in our marriage, those good times helped to overcome the bad.  In my marriage, I have many more ups than I do downs. The good and happy times keeps me strong and that’s one reason why I am so happy in our marriage. My husband has many admirable qualities and characteristics that made me fall in love with him in the first place.  His sincerity, his kindness, and his thoughtfulness towards me are some of the greatest examples.

Dr. Gottman’s antidote for contempt is fondness and admiration and this has been true in my marriage. I know if couples are willing to work on it, they too will find success.  When we put away our negative thoughts for our spouse by filling our hearts, thoughts, and actions with lots of fondness and admiration, our marriage will be strengthened and enhanced.


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