Battling the Four Horsemen

Battling the Four Horsemen

The opposite of charity in marriage is as researcher John Gottman refers to, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  Dr. John M. Gottman and Nan Silver wrote the book called, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. In chapter three the authors wrote, “Usually these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of marriage in the following order: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling”. The last book in the New Testament is the book of Revelations. In chapter six, verses 1-8 the scripture passage speaks of four horsemen tied to calamities that will happen in our world.  These horsemen represent destruction and in marriage especially can be the cause that leads to divorce. The four horsemen will ruin any marriage if not kept under control. The best way to win this battle is through charity in our marriage.

The first horseman is Criticism.  Being critical of our spouse can lead to more negativity. Be done away with this type of talk. Stop criticizing and replace it with complements instead, and you will see amazing result in your marriage. I know this to be true because when asked to think of a time that criticism happened in my own marriage, nothing comes to mind. I have been blessed with a husband who turns criticism into compliment and this has made me strong and full of confidence.

The second horseman is Contempt. Dr. Gottman says that contempt arises from a sense of superiority over your partner. I say be done away with this type of speaking as well and replace it with charity. Charity is the pure love of Christ.  Fill your heart with so much love and charity that you will not only see that your partner is someone special, but also someone you truly care about and are willing to build up and instead of tearing them down. After all, when they shine you shine too and it reflects who you are as well. People often tell me that I have a wonderful husband who is helpful and is willing to do the best he can to show that he is not better than me even though at times I know he is way better. His humble and charitable heart puts me above anything else, which is charity.

The third horseman is Defensiveness. Naturally we all want to defend ourselves when others accuse us or say things that are mean and negative about us. Instead of being defensive, replace it with openness.  Open your heart and let kindness in.  Create an environment where you can peacefully react to a hurtful action from someone. In my own life, I have learned to win the battle of defensiveness. Always fight your battles with so much love and the outcome will not fail you.  Even if you did your best and things don’t always go your way, you will feel peace knowing you did all you could to create an atmosphere of peace around you.

The fourth horseman is stonewalling. The Bible depicts the last horseman as, “pale like unto death”. Dr. Gottman said when all three of the horsemen are joined together, it leads to stonewalling which he said eventually one partner will check out mentally from the situation to cope with the problem.  When a person is stonewalling, it means they totally ignore you, look down, avoid eye contact, and will not say a word and walk away without a resolution. This is very dangerous.  Do not stonewall. Be the strengthener in the marriage instead. Look at your partner with kind eyes, reach out to them with sincere words or phrases and try to cheer them up when they are discouraged or distraught by things that happen to them, like a rough day at work.  

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, one way I have learned to have charity of heart is by reading, studying, and applying the knowledge I’ve obtain in the prophetic counsel of our church leaders to seek after things that are good and virtuous.  We need to learn to control our thoughts and actions, our anger and our temperament, and do not allow these feelings to infest or linger in our hearts.  These things can take away the Holy Spirit’s guidance in our lives, causing us to be vulnerable into saying and doing things that we cannot take back.  When our hearts are softened, we invite the Holy Spirit into our home. We will feel love, caring, and kindness that helps us show respect, consideration, empathy, and patience in our marriage. In the Doctrine and Covenants 50:24, it says, “That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.” Let the light of Christ shine in our hearts today for the ones we love so that there will not be any room for darkness to fill our marriage with sorrow and destruction. Charity will be your shield of protection in your marriage and help prevent it from falling apart. Remember these words as found in the first epistle of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians, in Corinthians 13:13 it says, “And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.”